It's been over a week since my last coffee break, when I shared about my struggles of waiting through our adoption process. I wish I could say things are better; that we got news or I've learned how to cope. But it just isn't true. I think I keep trying to pretend like I have no expectations and that I'm just done. But I won't give up. I just continue to wait and deal with the dagger of no news with every passing day.
My hope is hanging on by a thread.
That thread is the promise of God, and though it's just a thread, it's a strong thread. It's a thread that may not give me answers up front, but still holds the answer. And right now I struggle to focus on anything but getting that answer. Because the answer should come at any time, but that time just fails to ever come.
And there are other times I think, "I have absolutely no rights to these girls. None whatsoever." The reality is, choosing to adopt wasn't something to fulfill some desire or hole we lacked. I even hesitate to tell you God told us to adopt, because it seems like that's becoming a fad and we didn't adopt because "that's what Christians should do". No, it was very personal. It wasn't something our pastor told us we should do (regardless of whether God told us). It wasn't something that guilt drove us to.
It was simply God and Him alone. Though we may be able to spout off "reason", I cannot say with certainty those are the reasons God asked us to adopt. So, since this was His idea, who am I to try and take control of what He's started?! The girls are HIS girls and though He has called us to be their family, never once did He ask us to run the show for Him. Never once did He hand over ownership; but stewardship.
But I still cannot focus on anything but hearing news that we can move on to the next step. That can't be healthy. But I feel like I'm paralyzed; like I can't breathe. I feel like our break through is so close, I'm holding my breath. But it never comes.
I've found myself uncomfortable when I try to push a time frame on God on when *I* want them home. I cannot pray, "Lord, I am asking and believing that we will get an answer this week." Instead I can only pray, "Lord, sustain me."
Sometimes I feel like a spoiled child, whining to God because I'm not getting my way. This adoption is not about me.
Last week I was reading the Bible and God spoke several things to me.
It started in Hebrews, with,
"Endure hardship as discipline" (Hebrews 12:7).
OK. Wow, Lord, so we're being disciplined?
It goes on to say,
"We have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in His holiness." (Hebrews 12:9-10)
That's a lot to take in, but it surely makes sense! I need to submit and recognize that God knows what He's doing. That He's refining me through the fire, and yes, sometimes it hurts.
"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." (Hebrews 12:11)
The abundance is coming. I must rest in that. I must submit to Him. I must keeping walking, one foot in front of the other.
Though the sorrow may last for the night, joy comes with the morning! Psalm 30:5b
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