Confessions of a Struggling Mother Heart

heart in sand by lady_jess, on Pix-O-Sphere

Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed about having my own baby to care for. I used to think that if I took really good care of my baby doll, God would make it come to life-- {only to find a week later I had accidentally left her in the basement all week with no food, ahem}. My maternal instincts were strong (mostly).

I never dreamed he would give me 5 children. I am so blessed!! God gave me a godly man who's heart is in line with His and I am so thankful for that. He has surpassed our own family dreams and given us something bigger than we expected and we both feel so blessed.

But it hasn't been easy. In fact, I'll be awful honest friends...I often struggle with mothering. I am a horribly selfish person, and an introvert to boot --- with 5 children. As much and as hard as this mother heart longs to be and do more, this mother heart struggles horribly with flesh.

In my mind, I see all the things I want for my children--for our family. But putting feet to those dreams seems so impossible---because I know how much hard work and self-denial it's going to require of me. My flesh is so very weak and I am so very ashamed. Yeah, I do enough to get by--but I want to go deeper with my children.

I do not want to continue life in this manner. I want to crucify this ugly flesh so the Spirit can have His way with me and move in my mother heart to better love my children; to better serve them. I want to better know them and understand them. But sometimes I just don't know where to start. Sometimes I have so many solutions, I get confused on which one to use.

Thus far, I believe my greatest asset, for me, is my schedule. Because I can take all those mother dreams, write them down, and put them into baby steps for these feet to remember to follow. And before I begin to follow, everyday, I must pray: for strength, for His direction, for attentiveness to my children and their needs, for focus, and to avoid distractions. I can't wait any longer, because everyday that passes by is everyday that I can't get back again.

I want my children to know God and to love and serve Him--but they first must see Him in me, loving and serving them.

I feel like I haven't fully surrendered my heart to mothering. I have been in denial abouthow much is required of a mother---at least one who wants to have well-adjusted children who love and serve God. Everything is out there working against me, except for the most powerful thing of all: God. I must come to Him and rely on Him because I cannot do this in my own strength.

It's no surprise that everything always begins with God---yet, I always do things backwards. I try to do it in my own strength and battle and battle until I can't fight anymore before I come to God begging for help. No, I need to go to Him first. Prepare myself, arm myself and walk into the day with God-confidence....just like David when He went into battle with Goliath. He had no doubts because He knew what God was capable of.

Today, I begin again. Today, I begin with God.

What do you do when you are faced with a hard truth?