It's weird. I expected that after I returned from Relevant, I would be refreshed and ready to go. Ready to be a better mama because I'd had some time away to just gather myself and just breathe. But this week has been more challenging than normal! I don't know if I'm being attacked [spiritually] or if my mind is just my own enemy or what.
I'm overwhelmed with my responsibilities. I'm sitting here pondering, "Wow. I have 5 children to care for. Five children I'm responsible for. Five children who all have different needs. Five children whom I'm somehow supposed to guide out of sin and into Truth" - yet I struggle to do this for myself.
I have a house that I am trying to make a home, but can't keep up with the demands of it. The clutter. The dirt. The day to day dishes and laundry. The piles of paper. The stacks of "I don't know what to do with's".Toddler messes. An 8-year old pack rat. Too many toys.
And this weary body is hard pressed to move. The weight of it all is too much. How can I hand it over to God? After all, it is me who must do all these things. I am only one person. One body, with two hands.
I have big dreams; for my children, for our haven. But currently they seem completely unreachable.
Me and my constant inconsistencies. The only thing I'm consistent with is being inconsistent. I'm sure my children view me as a hopeless flip flopper who can be persuaded into anything (not spiritually, but with other things).
This is messy me. In my mind, I have it all figured out. In reality, not so much. I know what I want to do, but getting there seems impossible from where I stand.
My dreams don't seem impossible - just impossible for me.