It's that legalistic Christianity. Sometimes it sneaks in, even when I don't want it to. After a while, the grip begins to tighten and life is just slowly sucked away into the striving for perfection and acceptance. It's not that I try to be legalistic. It's not that I would outright confess, based on belief, that I need to perform in order to be accepted.
But, I begin to dig a little deeper and wonder why I feel so heavy, constantly. Why do I struggle to enjoy the life God has given me? When did I start believing I had to feel guilty for enjoying life through the mess? Not excuse myself for complacency but learn more about grace and what it means to rest in it.
I'm not interested in being an uptight wife and mother; nor am I keen on being all carefree either. I just want to rest in Christ and be with Him.
I just feel like there is a constant tug-of-war effect going on inside me. I want to be on the side of Jesus, not on the side of Law. I want to be on the side of relationship, not on the side of rules.
I want to enjoy my children and not worry about the mess left behind. I long to keep focused on the read aloud we're engaged in without having my mind wandering to the mountain of laundry that awaits me. When did so much weight get placed on keeping the home perfect while starving the heart?
Why am I so worried about what everyone sees rather then focusing on maybe those things people won't see--feeding the heart. Filling my soul with Jesus--filling my kids' souls with Jesus. I need to train my heart to think on the eternal. To not worry about the mess when I'm in a place of teaching and reaching. The mess isn't going anywhere. It'll be there when I'm done.
I struggle so much with the "be all there" concept. And I don't have an answer for how to change this mindset. I don't know how I would turn this around, to be honest.
All I know is that I just want Jesus. I want to stop striving and start living. I want to start loving and stop lamenting. Just give me Jesus.
I can't do it right--and I never will. But I can live a grace-filled life and have it pour over into everything else, transforming what I know. So this I pray,
"Satisfy [me] in the morning with your unfailing love, that [I] may sing for joy and be glad all [my] days." Psalm 90:14