Today is my first, official, Coffee Break. The goal is to just write and forget all blogging rules. It’s good to have a break from the rules once in a while. Even better if it’s over coffee with some friends.
The wait hasn't been easy. Though we have waited far less then some families in the whole of the process. The reality is, the part of the process we're still waiting on should have been completed in 60 days. Two months. We are at 145 days. Nearly five months. The wait really has stretched my faith in ways I have never known.
When we first began this process, I knew God's hand was all over it. I had no doubts. He set everything up so beautifully. It was easy to trust when everything was going smoothly.
But these past few months have been, to the core, hard. I have had so many emotions fly around, including guilt for my own impatience and distrust. And let me tell you how real heart ache really is. Seriously. It's not just a figure of speech or some kind of notion. My heart has literally ached, hurt, felt pain, as the weeks and months have passed by and our daughter's are left asking us when we are coming to get them.
See Margaret up there in the picture (to the right). She's holding a phone in her hand. Talking to me. Asking me that very question. "When are you coming back to get us?" It was so hard not to cry giving her an answer that I really didn't have an answer to. "We are working really hard to come back very soon." How's that for an answer?
I have found myself glued to my email on days and weeks when I know we are expecting some kind of news. I've been stressed, irritated, and constantly want to eat chocolate. (Seriously).
There was one day I was genuinely angry at God and I have never been in that place before. I was angry at things that hadn't even come to pass. I was worried everything would fall apart on us and our girls would never come home. It was irrational, honestly.
There have been times I felt like the punch line of a bad joke. Or that I was in a nightmare I could not wake up from. Like God was going to break His promise. Even though my head knows better!
To make matters harder, we have watched more then one family bring their children home who were "behind" us in the adoption process. Am I happy for them? Absolutely! It's strange because I cry tears of joy for them and tears of sorrow for us at the same time, because here we are still waiting.
"God, are we being punished? Tested? Are you not hearing our prayers because we have sin? What is it Lord? Why are we waiting so long?"
But their story is not our story.
And it's nobody's fault. I mean, not really. Everybody over there is doing their job. They are doing what they are supposed to do to make certain we have all the correct, legal documents, correct spellings, accurate information to ensure these precious girls are indeed orphans, and not trafficked. I am not against that at all.
It's just that, some aspects of this process have drug on unnecessarily and some have been necessary and it's hard either way.
One of the things I try to remind myself is that these girls are God's children before they are ours, and He has them well cared for. He really does. It's not ideal. But it's working for now, while we wait.
I haven't slept well and often find myself falling asleep praying and thinking about what life will be like when they are home.
God has truly knit our hearts together with our new girls, even an ocean apart. This time has not been in vain and that much I can see. And for that I thank God. Faith has never been so hard to walk out, I don't think.
I am forced to trust in what I literally cannot see. It's easy for me to trust the Gospel message. Why is it so hard to trust that God will see these girls home?
This whole thing was God's idea. It was His plan. And here I am trying to snatch it from Him and take it over. Be in control. Act like I know better. Like I know what's best.
So, this is some of what's been on my heart and trying to figure out the best way to get it out was actually stifling it. So here it is, pretty much unedited. That's what these Coffee Breaks are all about. And boy did it feel good to get out!
In addition, here is a song that has really struck me these last couple of days. Click here to view video.
Thank you for chatting with me over coffee. Feel free to leave a comment, and feel free not to as well! :)